A Mothers Body Blunders

So again I’m putting out a warning to all the pregnant women out there.. Stay away from this blog if you want to keep all those glorious body changes as a surprise. 

Now magazines make it a well-known fact that having a baby transforms your body... But really they only talk about weight gain and loss (because their annoying like that), but being all knocked up means it’s an inevitable fact that you’re going to pack on a few pounds. Then after you’re going to lose some... Some people lose more than others of course, but what I’m trying to say is… that’s not all that happens to your body, there are a few more shockers I’m afraid.

When I became pregnant I was ‘an average sized girl’ not obese and certainly not thin. When I saw those two pink lines, those lines telling me I was about to have my very own Chahul I decided right away that it was acceptable to eat copious amounts of food… because after all I was pregnant and that’s when you’re socially allowed to get fat!

So I put on 3 stone during those 9 months, about a stone of that in the last week before labor.. I think that was my body preparing for those 2 days of working my back side off in order to deliver a baby.

I think I burnt about 800 calories an hour just by the amount of screaming I did as when I got home I had lost a stone and a half! My Daughter only weighed 5Ibs 13 so I’m pretty sure the rest of that wasn’t all blood and liquid! It was worked off by pure screaming effort!!

In regards to my weight now.. I have to be honest; even though I am fully aware I am ‘one of the lucky ones’ I’ve lost about 50 pounds in 4 months. Now I know that’s a hell of a lot and I’m actually a lot smaller than I was before I became pregnant.. But this is why I’m spreading the love for breastfeeding!! 

I utterly thank breastfeeding for my weight loss, ok please don’t hate me you ladies that haven’t lost weight, I know you will anyway.. But I’ve managed to carry on eating like I’m pregnant and still the weight just drops off. Now before you shout at your screen thinking that I’m just showing off... I am fully aware that once I stop nursing, the weight will more than likely come back with a vengeance! As I am just quite frankly totally adapted to eating like a pig now and I’m not mentally prepared to stop that I’m afraid.

Now I’ve mentioned weight.. But what else had happened to my body with the delights of pregnancy I hear you ask? 

Well I now have no bum! My mother told me that once she had me, her bum migrated round to her waist and has stayed there ever since. Despite not believing that would ever happen to me, my bum would surly never disappear! Well what a shocker.. It has. My husband reassures me that it is not flat just ‘perky’ but I know that’s because he loves me and is trying to see a positive in the situation.

Another hindrance would have to be constipation. For me constipation appeared towards the end of my pregnancy, I don’t think constipation is seen seriously enough! People laugh when you complain of constipation but believe me… It’s no joke! 

So I was quite looking forward to giving birth so that my constipation difficulties could be behind me.. But little did I know that after an hour and a half of heavy intense monster pushing and some serious dehydration my bowel complications had only really just began.

So out pops my daughter and along with her come some haemorrhoids… or piles as their known to most. I’m sure those little buggers have moved into my rear end for the rest of my existence! No amount of cream or positioning or stool softeners will destroy those troublemakers.

4 months postpartum and I still can’t go to the toilet without a few deep breaths beforehand, a cuddly toy to squeeze and at least half an hour scheduled for the whole occasion! It’s a burden on my life! And what makes it worse it that I have to take my daughter in with me as half an hour without me time can only result in trouble, and most probably a huge amount of tears and tantrums.. So now I’m worried if she’ll be affected by this at all? They say babies can pick up on anxiety and pain and stuff don’t they! Not to mention the facial expressions they mimic. 

Ok so the next thing I’m going to talk about, because quite frankly I have to don’t I! As we all know where babies appear from when they enter into the world! Now I’m a Nurse so I have no issues with the word vagina. But I know a lot of people do for some reason or another... So for you I’ll call it Lavender. My Lavender does not resemble the purple flower in anyway but it’s a pleasant flower and I don’t know anyone by the name Lavender therefor I can’t offend. 

So my Lavender went through quite the ride during labor, and ironically it did actually turn purple... but I want to talk about postpartum Lavenders... Now for me personally, I had stitches… So that area was really sore for about 2 weeks, not so sore I couldn’t function but just sore enough for me to consciously avoid sitting on anything without a big cushion. But on occasion i'd forget and get a fright.

After to immediate swelling and soreness and hard seat dodging… things started to get better, and to be perfectly honest with you, everything now seems to be back to normal! The body is amazing at repairing itself, although I can still feel the stitches it’s nothing compared to the horror stories and myths you hear.

One thing I didn’t expect was that I became pretty much hairless during my pregnancy; I hardly had to shave, and my hair growth slowed right down. Now I must say I got pretty used to that luxury and it now seems that now I’ve gone and out popped a baby my hair has realised… and is growing at the speed of lightening! Must be something to do with hormones but to be honest at least its winter now and the extra layering kind of helps.

Finally I want to talk about teeth! Oh my word did I mess my teeth up! After 9 months of demolishing cartons of orange juice and kit kats in the middle of the night, those damn cravings have a lot to answer for… Apparently pregnancy can weaken your teeth... another glorious surprise for me hurrah. But the great thing is all dental treatment is free for 12 months after pregnancy so I’m going to have a nice gloriously sedated root canal treatment soon..

And another post pregnancy bonus is that if you’ve given birth you’ve pretty much experienced the most amount of pain you’re ever going to have, and you’re now a hard core warrior when it comes to pain! So what’s a root canal to me now? Nothing! Because I’m now diehard and nothing can break me okay!

So there we go weight loss, constipation, flat bums, piles, root canals, increased hairyness and altered Lavenders and I’m still standing! I guess I’ll now just have to wait for the next surprise... will the outcome of breastfeeding result be in my saving up for a boob job to fix my newly lower positioned breasticals... who knows?